2007-12-06 - 9:49 p.m.
"Time, time, time,
Look what's become of me.....'
Well 2007 is about to come to an end and I find myself reflecting a lot. My life feels like a Terry McMillan novel at times, and I look at the past decade and wonder how it got to this point. When I was 17 I was young, vibrant, and I felt like I could conquer the world. I still remember the optimism that I felt back then. I don't feel that way now. When I look at life now I feel like I will live it vicariously through my daughter. I no longer dream of and look forward to completing my education anytime in the near future. Instead I picture my daughter graduating from Harvard or Oxford. It is funny and sad at the same time, because my own Mom did the same thing with me. She always regretted the fact that she didn't go to college, feeling like she'd squandered her intellect and promise by going into the military. 'But you're my smart girl', she'd tell me,'And YOU are going to be the one to do it'. My life has begun to resemble my Mother's in other ways as well. I now have the worries that she had as a single mom. I only have one child though, so it's not as heavy a burden as what she had. I try to remind myself that I knew it could be this way when I decided to have my daughter. There were never any guarantees, there was never some promise that there would be two parents at all times. I tell myself to woman up and just do what needs to be done. But I feel myself hardening and I don't like that. I am becoming that faceless, tired Black woman that we easily recognize. I never wanted to be a statistic but I find that is what happened anyways. I feel myself aging. At the beginning of the year I had a head full of jet black hear. I now have a solid streak of gray running through my hair. Imagine-going gray at only 27! If my hair was natural I would totally dye it. But since it's relaxed I can't risk the damage. Going grey is just a symbol of how I feel though. The spring and summer of my life are over and fall is already settling in.
