2007-10-31 - 9:45 p.m.
I've always liked Kanye West for some reason, and right now his latest songs are my personal anthems. "Stronger" is my battle cry, and "Good Life" is my theme song. After about eight months of pure hell and torture, things have settled. Life has changed in ways I didn't expect(but probably should have seen coming), but I am content. I am back on my feet. My lovely, smart, funny child has almost everything she needs in life. She does not have her Father-he chose to go to Tanzania for good)yeah big surprise there)-but that is out of my control, and I have learned to accept that. Since the day I learned I was pregnant, I have allowed my own issues with my upbringing and my own Father to affect Zora's upbringing and my relations with her Father. But they are different situations. I've realized that I can't project my past into the present; I just can't. So I will not fret. I will not agonize. I will not press the issue. I will do all that I can to mke sure my chil is happy and well-taken care of. So far I have excelled at that, and I must say I am proud of that. It's not that one desreved an ward fro being a good parent. It's what you are supposed to do. However, the things that her Father said to me at times really began to wear me down and make me doubt myself. I thought:"Well if he constantly calls me a stupid, incompetent whore that has accomplished nothing in life, maybe he is right". When I confided this to a friend, they were quite shocked and bothered that I'd internalized such statements. Looking back, I see the insanity of it. But back then when I had to hear it all the time, it was different. Which brings me back to the song by Kanye and why I like it so much. There were times this year where life was truly agonizing.I did not like the situation or the pain it caused. I just wanted some peace, a night without tears, without yelling, without arguing, without my daughter putting herself to sleep while her Father and I argued. At times it didn't seem that it would ever happen. Things continued to spiral out of control, and reached a breaking pint in August...but then it stopped.Now the waters of life are relatively calm. It is now the good life, "better than the life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy".
