2005-08-12 - 12:34 a.m.
My Mother officially passed away on July 30th at 5:45PM. We had her funeral last saturday Aug 6th and her burial on monday Aug 8th. Though I've seen her corpse, gone through her funeral and burial I am still in denial. More than once a day I try to convince myself that my Mother isn't really dead; she's just on vacation. I just can't accept it. Its so hard ebing in her home. Since my Mom first got sick on July 20th I think I've slept at our apartment twice. While my Mom was alive I wanted to be here to look after my sisters. Now that she's passed I stay here to feel close to her. I only feel her presence in her home. That won't last much longer though. My Mom was renting so my sisters are all moving out at the end of the month. When we are here together, reminiscing and singing Mom's songs, it almost feels like old times. It makes me sad to think that the three of them will never be in the same house again. That energy and craziness will be gone. I miss my Mom so much. Every time I look her black and gold sofa I expect to see her sitting there, picking at her face and flipping channels. I expect to hear her footsteps in the house. When I'm in the shower I hear her voice in my head and hear her knocking on the bathroom door, telling me to hurry up and stop wasting water. When I look at Zora I think of how my Mom loved her, how Zora would sometimes run away from her. Mom loved Zora so much. We could drop by aby time and Mom would have baby food and milk set aside especially for her. My Mom spent her lastweekend(before the coma) with Zora. The last time I spoke to her she called to tell me how Zora had fun with her at church. We made a deal that Zora would spend every weekend with her after that. Little did we know that was my Mom's last weekend. Tonight is really hard for me. It's just me and Zora at my Mom's house. My sisters all spent the night somwwhere else. Baraka has been gone all day. I have no idea where he is at and I am really worried. .
