2004-08-20 - 4:14 p.m.
There is an old parable. I think it goes something like this:
If you see a hungry man, give him a fish that first day. But by the third, teach him how to fish for himself.
The moral of the story was that it is good to help others, but better to show them how to help themselves. I truly wish I could do this for my mother. My mother is on a fixed income(receives Social Security and child support for two of my sisters). She certainly isn't rich, but she receives more than enough to pay her bills and provide for my sisters. On top of that, I pay rent and usually buy all the groceries. So one would expect my Mom to be ok financially, right? WRONG. She has no true concept of what it means to balance her checkbook or have a budget. She spends money like a frivoulous teen. No I take that back; I know teens with more fiscal discipline than her. I get so frustrated with her. Yesterday she calls me and tell me she needs a "favor". I know my mom and whenever she needs a favor that basically means she needs money. so the next thing I ask is how much. Not an extreme amount and she is paying it back. What disturbs me is the fact that less than a month ago I payed her rent for July, August, September & October all at one time. I didn't want to really; I only wanted to pay July & August.I know my mother and what she'll do is waste the $$ right now, which means I'll just have to end up "advancing" her more $$$. But she pleaded and said she needed the lump payment in order to purchase a car. I figured this was true and was a legitimate need since her last one had broken down. But here it is a month later and all that money is gone. When she asked me to borrow that money yesterday I was so tempted to ask what happened to the money I gave her, but I stopped myself. It would've been a waste of breath. We've been down this road so many times before. She just won't listen and take responsibility. She is so used to scrimping and scraping to get by that she is used to it-maybe even likes it. I know that sounds crazy, but I can't think of any other reason why someone would do that to themselves. Who likes being broke and worried about bills? It makes no sense. And any time I try telling her that things would be easier for her if she'd simply manage her money better, she goes off on me. She uses her age as an excuse-"I'm 45 years old. I've always spent money too fast;its too late for me too change." Or she claims I don't understand all the bills she has to pay. I know exactly how much all of her bills are each month and I know her exact income as well. If she'd be responsible she'd actually have a surplus left over each month that she could save or even spend if she wanted to. But instead she lives off of overdrafting her accounts and floating checks. Of course that means OD fees...and when a direct deposit comes in the overdraft is automatically covered so she has less money...and it goes this way every month. What makes things more pathetic is the fact she received $25K in Sept 03 from the city as part of a settlement. She blew through that in less than SIX MONTHS. She has absolutely nothing to show for it. She simply spent it shopping and giving/loaning money out to family members(who rarely even called her till they learned about the money). When I asked her what happened with it she replied:"I blew it on junk".
Me:"You spent all of it Mom? What about using it on a downpayment on that house you wanted?"
Her:"I changed my mind".
Me:"But what did you do with it?"
Her:(getting agitated and rolling her eyes)"Look, money doesn't rule me, okay? I always get by and manage to pay my bills( a lie; she was evicted in 2002 from her place for that same reason), so leave me alone!!"
And you know who has to always clean up the mess from this, right? Whenever she is short on a bill or when my sisters need something, it has to come out of my pocket. I don't mind helping my blood, but I'm getting sick of being a personal bank for an adult who should know better. And unfortunately my 17 year old sister has picked up my Mom's bad habits. Thinking that everyone is entitled to do things for her just because they are family, but not doing anything for herself. Their mentality has always annoyed me, but now that I have a daughter of my own, my patience is running out. Sometimes I'm tempted to focus on my 14 year old sister-the only one who has any sense at all-and leave my Mom and other sister to their own devices. They are both too hard-headed and don't show the slightest interest in attaining/maintaining their own independence. They want me to help them, butI won't truly be able to do that until they make an effort themselves.
