2004-07-08 - 12:13 a.m.
"See I'm not the one
They got me confused
They got me messed up
Don't you think I've had enough
When it comes to what we do
All that matters is us two
Don't pay them no mind
We just gon show and prove..." Brandy, 'Talk About Our Love'
Time fe vent(yeah I know I do this alot but here it goes anyways):
Why, why, why why, does drama try to come up when things are actually going well between you & your significant other? This was going to be a long entry, but I don't think anyone wants to read an essay from me...lol! Its quite simple actually. Its like this:
I am back with Zora's father.
I am not with Zora's father simply because he is her father, as I would not be in a relationship with him just to give Zora a fairy tale ending. In the end a decision like that would only hurt her more.
I am with him because :we'd started laying the foundation for a serious relationship before I became pregnant. I love him and want to be with him for the long term. He has all that I need & desire in a mate.
My Mom and my sisters have truly come to like him; they don't resent him at all.
The rest of my family continues to resent him.
My Aunt is the main one, but she won't be pleased regardless. She first said that if he was serious about being with me he should propose & we should immediately get married. Otherwise he shouldn't come over my house & see his daughter(is it just me or does that make absolutely no sense?).
After Zora and I spent four consecutive days at his place, my aunt interrogates me and wants to know what is going on with me and him. I tell her we are together. Now keep in mind that this is the same woman who was pressuring me to get married. Her response: "Are you sure? Why are you with him? Just because he's in Zora's life doesn't mean he has to be in yours. Don't focus on him and a relationship with him and don't set your hopes high. You don't want to get hurt again. Remember how he acted when you were pregant(Geez, Zora is only 4 months old, how could I forget?!)"
The whole thing irritated me because its like she(and the others) don't feel I have the wisdom and sense to think for myself. Yes, they can give input but I'll make my own decisions....and they'll just have to deal with them.
When it comes to him, I see where they are coming from, but I think they need to bury the hatchet. If I am the directly injured party & I can work it out and forgive him, then they should be able to do the same. I don't expect them all to be extremely loving because that will take time, but they can show some basic sense of respect. Like acknowledging his presence, responding when he greets them-simple stuff like that. Anything less is simply rude, and my Grandma didn't raise them to act this way.
Tonight really irritated me because its like this things messes up the interaction between us. I talked to him via MSN earlier & knew something was wrong. He was chatting in such an aloof manner. He calls me on the phone-same thing. I'm thinking I must have unknowingly done something to make him mad, so I ask what's wrong. He tells me he's been in a bad mood since we chatted earlier in the day. I mentioned that I had a meeting with my pastor(who is also my uncle in law). That made him think of the things my aunt, uncle & others have said. Now he feels that he must be on the defensive at all times when it comes to that part of my family.
I know where he is coming from. One week my Aunt kept blowing up my cell phone to talk to me. I was literally terrified of what she would say & avoided calling her back. When we finally talked, the conversation was quite short & pretty simple. I then realized that I was giving some people in my life too much power over me. I can't allow people and situations to shake me up like that. Nor will I let anyone imtimidate me.I refuse to cede that much power to others. I will not let their words and/or gossip affect me like that. I have too many other important things to deal with-raising my daughter, building and sustaining my relationship with him, continuing my education, repairing my relationship with the Lord,looking after my sisters, planning for our future-to sit around with my panties in a bunch because of their comments.
We probably talked for an hour and a half. Ninety percent of that was probably spent discussing my extended family. If this is the first time of the day I've heard my honey's voice, I'd prefer it to be more pleasant. But if something is there that's bugging either one of us, it can't be ignored. I just wish it could be a non-issue. Eventually I think things will cool down. I think that once they see he is sticking around, they will change. Even in the worst case scenario, things wouldn't be that bad. I'd have to politely "check" if they were blatantly disrespectful...(well actually my Mom would have to do it; I can't really scold any of my elders). But its not like there will be any serious falling out or shunning in my family because of it; its just not that serious. Now if only I can get him to stop being bothered by it(I say that because its easier for both of us to not be bothered than it is to expect their feelings to change right now).
