2004-05-25 - 10:31 p.m.
I haven't said much about it here-well actually I haven't said anything really-but Zora's father is back in my life and has been since April. We are taking things very slow. I do want to re-establish our relationship. I certainly think its possible, but I know it won't be easy. I've talked with him about they way his past behavior made me feel & he's apologized. It's all quite fresh in my mind, but I've "buried the hatch", so to speak. But not everyone in my life sees things the same way. My best friend Nat understands my actions and supports them. Two of my friends don't. One thinks I'm a total idiot(we eventually agreed to disagree & stopped discussing the issue). The other says I am making it too easy for him; that I should play hard to get and give him the cold shoulder. That just ain't my style though! A person is either in or out; I'm feeling them or not. I don't play. Besides, to do that would be denying myself-what I feel and what I want. It was a trip when I first saw him in April. Before then, the last time I'd seen him was August 2003, and everything just RUSHED back when I saw him again. He basically abandoned me during my pregnancy, and that left a major hole in my life. In his absence( and with the help of everyone around me...lol), it was easy for me to demonize him and have a one dimensional view of him. When his presence returned, it was different. Even though we were talking about serious matters, we were still able to smile and laugh with each other, and I realized how much I still missed him. Before he picked me up I told myself to "stick to the script"-talk about Zora ONLY and press him for answers about the future. I couldn't do ith though; I ended asking him about us, discussing the past, etc. I thought that seeing him that time would be good; that things would make sense afterwards. But they didn't. I was even more confused. Because I REALLY wanted to hate him. I did not want to be nice, didn't even want to be smile...but being that way with him was just so natural, and I loved it. Zora and I have seen much more of him since then. We spent most of the past two days together, and my only complaint is the fact that it had to end.
