2004-05-20 - 11:02 p.m.
So, my life has been absolutely LOVELY recently, right? I mean phenomenal! Nothing to complain about at all. I was leery though. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop,for something negative to happen to balance everything out. I still did not really expect today's events. I guess I should start from the beginning.
I get up and prepare for work. I had to take yesterday off because of an issue with HR, but that was resolved and things were supposed to be all clear. I'm in a great mood. Zora's Dad stayed over last night, put her to bed and kept an eye on her so I could rest without interruption. I get to work and before I log in, my manager pulls me aside. I notice the words "employee termination processing" on one of the forms he has & realizes what this meeting is about-I'm being fired. I had a large outage($100) monday night that our balancing department refuses to look for, so I have to "eat" it-be held accountable. Since I was still on documentation for a previous outage, they had to fire me/ I wasn't really mad about it; I mean I understand their position and know my manager was reluctant to do it. But rules are rules, and they must be followed. Even though I was starting to to go out of my mind with worry, I managed to keep my composure...until my supervisor comes up to me in tears, saying how sorry she is & how she'll miss me. I'm like, "Cut that out girl; you're going to make me cry too if you keep it up!" Saying goodbye to her and a few others that I've worked with made me tear up a little bit. But its the thought of providing for Zora that really tore me up. When I was on my way home I kept picturing her smiling face and wondering: "How am I going to take care of my little girl?" No job, no more healt insurance(by June 20th at least)...I can't stand the thought of her being deprived of anything, you know? But after I calmed down and stopped being emotional I was able to look at things rationally. Number one-Zora and I have all the basics that we need. We have food, shelter and clothing, and none of things are a true worry. I still have some savings left so we aren't destitute. Number two-there are other jobs out there; I just need to be persistent until I get one. And number three,since I am now unemployed, Zora and I are eligible for medicaid and TANF(temporary assistance for needy families) from the state. Yeah, I know that sort of sucks. I will really have to swallow my pride on that one. I detest the thought of having to ask for any kind of help from the government. I have always prided myself on being hard-working and self-suffiecent. I've also taken pride in the fact that I've always defied the racist caricatures of women of color. So having to do something that's a feature of a stereotype stings. It makes me feel like I am proving "them" right. But you know what? I am getting to a point in life where I am ready to say SCREW YOU to "them". I can't let "them" guide my decisions and can't be bothered by what "they" might think. I've worked part-time since age 16 and full time since age 18. That's eight years I've been paying taxes and contributing to the system. If I need temporary assistance from this same system, so be it. For me, if it comes down to that it will certainly be temporary. I truly hope to have another job by mid-July(at the latest).
All in all. I truly believe that things will be cool. I'm not pulling my hair out over it or getting super-stressed. I remember one thing: not once in my life have I truly been destitute; there has always been a provision made. It may be silly to some, but I truly believe that the Lord will provide. He always does, someway or somehow. While I walked home I kept reciting the Psalms to myself(chapters 23, 37 and 91 respectively). I am still blessed and will continue to be in the future. I think of the lyrics to one of my late Grandma's favorite songs, "I Won't Complain":
"I've had some good days
I've had some hills to climb.
I've had some weary days
And some sleepless nights.
But when I look around
And I think
things over
All of my good days
They outweigh my bad days,
I won't complain."
