2004-05-13 - 11:52 a.m.
How Time Flies!
My maternity leave ends soon; I go back to work on monday. I can't believe the time is up already. I look forward to being out of the house more, but will miss being with Zora every waking minute. I'll probably be emotional next week, but I'll adapt.I hope I can eventually work closer to home. I feel more sorry for Zora than myself though. But it won't be that bad-I'll still have evenings with her and three days(sunday plus 2 revolving weekdays) to spend with her entirely. My social life is probably going to become nonexistent, however, I don't mind that. All I want to do is spend time with Zora.....and someone else, but more on that later.=)
The More Things Change.......
It has been nearly a decade since I conquered the insecurity I once faced because of my complexion. Since its an issue I've rarely had to deal with in my adulthood(at least not to the extent I did in grade school), its really not at the forefront of my mind. But having Zora is making it all come back. Compared to me, Zora has a fair complexion. Now to me, that's really no issue. I'd love her no matter what color she was and the same will apply if I have any other children. Not ONCE did I hope that my child would be a certain color or have a certain hair texture; those things are a non-issue to me. Unfortunately not everyone shares this view. My relatives often bring up Zora's color. Last sunday my sister was playing with Zora and remarking on how cute she was. Then she says:"It's a good thing you came out so light instead of dark like your Mommy." I'm listening, thinking to myself,'she CANNOT be serious!'. So I ask her: "What do you mean by that D? If she had the exact same features and a darker complexion would she somehow be ugly?" You know this fool said yes-and meant it. It didn't anger me as much as it saddened me. Its not that I was hurt personally & felt insecure by her making a comment about me being dark.I learned to love myself the way God made me years ago. Its knowing that we are keeping this ignorance alive that hurts. We talk about white people so much, but we are the ones perpetuating the self-hate. And I don't want my baby girl to be affected by it. you know? I don't want her to ever feel that she is inferior or superior because of her skin.When I was growing up, one of my best friends was very fair and was constantly getting harassed because of it. The same kids who teased me for being dark teased her for being light-"high yella bitch", "ms light-bright, wannabe white", "banana",etc. I don't want Zora to ever go through that. I always thought that by the time I had children, my people would have grown out of the color complex and laid such talk to rest. I see that I was wrong. But you know what the funny thing is? As a child, I was never insecure about my race or my color. From ages 4-10, I attended schools that were primarily white and latino(in so cali). It wasn't until we moved to Seattle and I got around more black children that I learned about the color complex. I wonder what I'll have to do to keep my daughter from experiencing it herself.
