2004-02-29 - 1:04 p.m.
My Grandma's funeral was nice....well as nice as a goodbye can be. She was buried next to her sister and a niece, which made us all smile. Seeing my Grandma's coffin lowered made it seem more final for me. Everyone was (surprisingly) restrained at the burial; the funeral was another story. The viewing of her body was the hardest. I had one arm around my sister and the other around one of my cousins as we all wept. I was crying and observing it all, and for a moment I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Like maybe I wasn't grieving enough; like maybe I should've been louder and more emotional. My mom and two aunts had to be pulled away from my Grandma's casket; they just didn't want to leave & see it shut. When my youngest aunt was finally pulled away, she collapsed and had to be carried out. I wondered of that was the way I was supposed to honor my Grandma & show what she meant to me. But for me individually, I know its not. I cry when memories come to my mind,but overall my grief feels different. Its not the type of heavy, suffocating sadness I'd always thought I'd experience when my Grandma passed. Its more of a lingering sadness, you know? She is on my mind all the time & I will never stop missing her. When I woke up this morning I looked at the clock. It was around 7:45. I remembered how she'd call to make sure we were up & getting ready for church. If we didn't answer the house line, she'd call my cell-"Hey, ya'll up yet?",she'd ask. When that memory crossed my mind it made me want to hear her voice again so badly!!! I think of the last times that we spoke, the last times she was able to communicate & recognize who I was. Just to hear her soft, soprano again. Its always the things that seem so minor that you miss the most.
