2004-02-27 - 8:58 a.m.
The funeral is tomorrow and the wake is from 12-8pm today. Part of me is ambivalent about going to the wake. I just don't know if I am ready to see my Grandma's body yet(when arrived at her home on tuesday, the funeral home had juts come to remove her so I never saw). I am going to go though; my mom and aunt will be with me, so we'll be able to console each other. I feel so bad for the both of them. Though my aunt D is the youngest, all the arrangements have fallen on her. She is the one collecting all the money, speaking with the funeral home & bearing the most stress. My mom is right by her side helping her. Next in line is my Uncle D, my mom's twin brother. The three of them are really the ones holding everything down right now. After the funeral tomorrow a few family members are really going to get it from my Uncle D. The things that two of my cousins in particular have said & done this month have been particularly reprehensible...I don't understand how one can feel such little obligation to their own blood. I have no intention of ever speaking to these two individuals after the funeral. There are few things in this world that can get me fighting mad; disrespecting my Grandma is at the top of the list. These two have disrespected my Grandma(and the memory of their own mother as well!) in her last weeks of life and after her death, and that is one thing I cannot tolerate or forgive at the moment. I am not the only one who feels this way; pretty much everyone else does. These two are going to find themselves out in the cold after this. It may sound extreme, but as far as I'm concerned they brought it on themselves.
The wake starts at 12; I will have to be in & out unfortunately. I have to leave at 4:30pm for a prenatal appointment at 5pm, then come back after that. All my family will be there from 5pm-8pm, so I'll definitely need to be around then.
Grief is an interesting thing. I mean really ask yourself: when a loved one passes, who are we really grieving for: ourselves or them? I think its ourselves, at least in cases like my Grandma's. If someone has a terminal illness that is causing them extreme pain, is it really better for them to linger on & on? I am sad because my Grandma is gone; she was there all my life. Aside from God, she was the only constant thing, the pillar of my life. But I just KNOW that she isn't in pain and she is happier now with the Lord. I don't know if I am going to speak at the funeral tomorrow. I have a large family & know that many will have something to say, so I don't want to get in the way. Then again I think I am expected to speak, seeing as I was her favorite granddaughter & she did raise me. I'll see how it goes....I am reading the obituary during the funeral, so at least I will be doing something
